It’s a Thin Line…

This week in Savage Love: The sins of the grandfather

My friend Kim sent me this article. The Kim who posted a comment about how she remembers RJ talking about having sex with me when I was 13 years old. Kim F., not to be confused with Kim K. who does not speak to me at all anymore. I finally unfriended her on Facebook, I feel better not pretending anymore.

In this linked article, a really tough question is answered succinctly about the core reasons more people don’t tell their stories of abuse. It is a belief, pure and simple, about something that is neither pure or simple. It is the very first hurdle to jump over. Questions like, was it a bad thing? Did the abuse happen because you really wanted it? If it was love could it be bad? At what age are you, or in what situation are you, responsible for having realized the abuse? Especially if you lied, you must have known, right? Why did you protect them? Why didn’t you tell anyone? Where is your, or your parent or caregivers responsibility?

Just know if you have these questions, all of these are also what trauma survivors ask themselves. Most likely they have exhausted themselves trying to find an answer outside of the truth. This is because the plain truth is too random and painful to bear. It’s a matter of birth, or proximity, or happenstance, no matter how much it still feels like it should have a deeper meaning. It doesn’t, but even more importantly, the idea that it has a deeper meaning is part of the very thing that keeps the abused tied to the abuser, and quiet.

All of this and more, without even going into trying to parse an identity or the philosophical reasons of why me?

These are still questions I ask every day. Ironically, while I continue to go through treatment for all the maladaptive behaviors all the years of trauma has caused.

Between love and hate

From this blog, you might mistakenly believe it was all hellish drunken violence between us but really that was the least of it. Not that those moments didn’t mark me forever, but so did all the love and care he gave me the rest of the time. RJ was the only soft spot in my life and had been since I was 13 years old. Five years on we had become a kind of family to one another. He bailed me out figuratively and literally more than once, and I served and loved him. We worked together and were a good, productive team. He took me backpacking and taught me to fly fish and he was there when things got too squirrelly. He was always there.

If someone beats you an hour day, there are still 23 hours left for them to love you. Not that RJ beat me an hour a day. By the time I was 18 I was pretty well trained and he never had to beat me as much as he would the other women who would come along. I think because I was so young when I bonded to him. I have yet to watch the R Kelly interview. Just the clip of him stamping his feet at Gail King was enough, I recognized it immediately.

The hardest thing for people to understand who have known me is how this happened. I have always seemed so confident, strong and determined. I am not the victim type. I am like this not just because RJ didn’t believe there were such things as victims and demanded that I never act like one, but also because our world does not appreciate any show of weakness. You see it everyday everywhere. Another person who I admired very much also told me when I was feeling weak, “It was unattractive, victims are unattractive, so knock it off.” And I did.

The war on woman started long ago

We as a culture don’t want to look ugliness in the eye. We want to protect our own happiness at whatever costs which brings us endless war and 13,615 untested rape kits in California alone. Allow also, that 3 out of 4 rapes go unreported. Why is that? As individuals, we don’t want to be victims because it means we are powerless, helpless and weak. We are then marked with that ugliness. We want to be the happy girl, the fun one.

It’s good to look at these, resets the brain. Feels good right?

There is no justice really for what happened to me, or the worse things that happened to millions more. The only real peace is in knowing and accepting the truth. Look it in the eye and don’t blink.

What else can’t be ignored in this history and so many others about survivors of abuse is context. Until I met my husband and had our children, I loved RJ more than I had ever loved any other person, even my parents. RJ’s narrative of our relationship and love is much nicer than the truth. I chose it for 40 years, I can’t begrudge others need to do that as well. Until my husband Dennis came along I never trusted a human being more than RJ. I am still learning how this happened and does happen to people every day. I’m still learning to trust people. Rachel Bernstein’s podcast is helpful. Hearing from other people helps too.

I apologize if you have written to me or reached out and I have not returned your call/email/text. Although getting the word out is important to me, other things rate higher. Like my kids. People believe that doing this must be cathartic and in a way it is. I don’t have to tell the story over and over to everyone who might have/is/will be touched by RJ and his group. The responses I receive also help me solidify my resolve and keep going. I will write/call/text you back eventually, and I appreciate you understanding my need to pace myself.

Newly recommended book, this has good reviews.

Mostly though keeping this up is just tough. It’s tough to be in therapy and continue to move forward. Hard to keep writing and remembering. I am currently unraveling a lifetime of beliefs and discarding those that do not hold up to inspection, as well as dumping any friendships that have been clogging up my corners for so many years. Friends by default. I feel happier and more unburden than I ever have, even if I still get triggered.

I read everything I can get my hands on about trauma, cults, childhood abuse and the healing modalities available. From literary fiction and non-fiction to psychology, neurology and the Dharma. Reading is a coping mechanism that has kept me alive so far. When I was involved with the cult, I believed with all my heart and true intention that what I did and was doing was best for me, all those I loved, and the world at large.  Even without the mechanism of the cult family, all families and communities work towards balance and it takes a lot of nerve to throw that off.

Agency assumed

Also, the depth of our casually held beliefs is astounding and can not be understated. A close friend, someone who is well aware of my story and how trauma works, we’re talking about someone involved in the cult. A young woman raised in the cult, and who now lives in a major urban area teaching for the group, has written a book on teen sexuality. My friend was concerned that it could be used to mass recruit underage girls for the group. my friend felt this young woman, a woman who has known no other life, should be more aware in the age of #MeToo of the potential for abuse as an author reaching a young audience. She should have known better.

Yes, it could be seen as that and even used that way. But the writer of the book is a person I love, have always, and will always. I know she has even less of a chance than me of understanding what she is living through. I also know she has a true intention to improve women’s lives, even if she is living in a toxic environment.

It took me 40 years for fuck sake, and the revelation that my friend believes this writer should be at my level of awareness in a little more than half that time broke my heart. I asked if that is how she felt about me and she said no. I get it, she is upset and feels strongly about the damage the cult does and could cause. She is also still smarting, like so many others, from her own interaction with the group. These things I know. All I can put my friend’s opinion down to is that the idea of individual agency is so deep it infects us without notice.

I also know that she understands me in a way only a sibling could, although her story is different. I have never had a friend like her before, and I cherish her, and although it hurts I know I don’t have to hide how I feel for her to remain my friend.

I have no answer here. I understand. I understand that I have emails piling up from people telling me of their own stories of abuse with RJ and or the group, but as of yet, no one has wanted to come out publicly. No one has said anything publicly except Kim F. She also sent me a really nice note, by regular mail even! Thank you.

Reasons differ why people say they haven’t come out to add their voice here. If I’m the only one you feel you can talk to no problem, I’ll continue to answer and support you how I can. Maybe some didn’t realize it was an option, most others have some level of fear. I’m working on a post about why we feel beholden, even to those that treat us badly. Check back in a few days and I’ll have it up.

We know that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before the age of 17, and that sex offenders have been known to molest as many as 120+ victims, most of whom do not report it.  With numbers like these, you think it would be easier to talk about, admit and find justice and help for survivors.

I like to use the word survivors because according to U.S statistics 7+ children a day die of child abuse in the U.S. alone, and TODAY 6 children will commit suicide due to child abuse.

It’s time to face the facts

If you have been abused and are still alive, that is a good start. You survived. You are not alone, more likely feeling alone only in admitting it and reaching out for help. Even if you have not survived neglect and abuse, most likely someone you know has their own story of abuse. One likely pushed down and discarded under the piles of ’others had it worse’ ‘ it wasn’t that bad’ and the old classic ‘they didn’t mean it. It was because I was so ….’ that nothing connects with the experience anymore.

Whether you want to share your story here, with me alone or even just in your journal, I encourage you to write it down. You will get a different perspective. If you want to add your voice to mine on this site just contact me here at truthaboutrj@gmail.com.

Thank you for reading and take care of yourself!

Christine

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.
-Alice Walker