I was still 18 when I got really sick. I couldn’t even eat saltines I was so nauseated. When I found out I was pregnant I thought that if this is what it was like, I was never going to do this on purpose. I told my boyfriend and he wanted to keep it but I knew there was no way that was going to happen. I liked him, I guess I even loved him on and off in varying sober and non sober states, but there was no way I wanted a kid right then, let alone with him.
I told RJ, I remember telling my friend Jim as well, but I don’t think anyone else knew. I went by myself in a cab to and from the Planned Parenthood over by Japan town to have the abortion. I immediately felt better. Sad, but there was no more nausea and I quickly put it out of my mind and went back to work. I can see clearly the sun coming through the window onto the reception desk at Larry’s salon as I stood behind the L-shaped desk and looked outside down into the alley. The voice on the phone told me they had found something in my tissue.
Apparently, all the tissue collected at that Planned Parenthood at that time went to be tested by students and researchers. They had found something in mine and I needed to come in. I hung up and walked towards RJ who had just finished up with a client. I looked a bit freaked out and I told him what they had said.
I said, “It’s cancer I know it. They wouldn’t tell me anything on the phone but I just know it is.”
“Oh come on, you don’t know that,” RJ replied. “Calm down until you find out.”
Abortion
I went alone to the appointment at Planned Parenthood two days later. The doctor explained that they had found cancerous cells in my tissue. They didn’t know if there were any cancer cells left in my body or if the D & C had got them all. They gave me a flyer with some doctors names and numbers and told me to get in contact with one of them. I had no insurance and hadn’t been to a doctor since I was 16 years old, before I left Redwood City. I wasn’t thinking of that at the moment though.
Originally the abortion story said no more about the abortion itself. I added this after because I feel it is pertinent in today’s climate to say more. If I hadn’t of received that abortion I would have been riddled with cancer. At 18 the doctor probably wouldn’t have given me a sonogram until 5 or 6 months and so would not have known something was wrong. Of course I didn’t know the pregnancy was cancerous. I chose to not have a baby because I was a mess, barely capable of taking care of myself. Not just my life but that child’s would have been ruined. I know what it is like to be an unwanted baby, if pain is all you have to offer a child better to just not, please. I wouldn’t wish that life on anyone. It’s your choice, don’t give it away by standing idle.
Onward, Cancer.
I stumbled to RJ’s in shock. He was sitting in his kitchen and poured us both gasses of freezing cold vodka. I told him what they said. He cried, and told me how much he loved me. He told me that he couldn’t lose me. He said that I was like a daughter to him, and I had to fight this. I know people cringe at the daughter reference but I didn’t then and now I know it was way more complicated and twisted than that language alone.
He told me I had to call my parents. I hadn’t told them anything about anything. I never had so why would I start now? RJ said I had to let them feel how they were going to feel. I was under 21 so still on their insurance as far as I knew but more importantly, I was going to need the help.
I said no, of course. Why? They didn’t love me, never had.
RJ said, “that isn’t true, they loved you as much as they could. You are going to need them now. Just call your mom and let her feel how she’s going to feel, you can’t control that. You need to take her to the next appointment, you can’t do this alone.”
We sat and talked and sipped. He made me feel better, loved and cared for and like I could call my folks. I could even take the next necessary steps.
I remember it like yesterday, I stood up to light my cigarette at the stove like I had a million times before. RJ jumped up and grabbed it and lit it for me saying, “Let me do that, now that you have cancer.” With a smile and a wink and my heart bursting with love for him as we laughed.
Deborah came in the front door and I said quickly, “Don’t say anything.”
She wasn’t even fully in the room when RJ said. ”Chrissy has cancer.”
I groaned and Deborah came over immediately to hug me and coo at me. RJ smiled as he watched me squirm under the attention.
It turned out we did the hair of the wife of the doctor who ran the oncology department at UCSF. RJ got me a doctors name and I made an appointment.
I called my mom too. When I told her she said, “Shit Christine.” I knew she would say that. She also said yes she would come with me to the doctors.
My mom and I went together to the appointment. I refused to have chemo, “only 6 treatments,” they said like it was a blessing, but not for me. Since I refused treatment I had to get tested every week for six months, blood test and a pap smear. Yes, it was hell, and I still have spider veins in my arms. Then after 6 months they told me I could come every 2 weeks, then after 3 months I could come monthly, then on the year anniversary of my diagnosis, they let me go. They found no more cancer cells and told me to come back in 6 months. The doctor warned me not to get pregnant within the year or cancer would come back. She also told me that I had a 30% chance of it coming back whenever I got pregnant because I didn’t let them kill it with chemo. I never went back and I never had another issue.
Who loves you baby
RJ supported me throughout. He had wanted me to get sober for a while and soon after I was diagnosed I finally did. I joined AA, NA, and CA and went to meetings. I never worked the steps and never got a sponsor. I was unwilling to become close to anyone, to have to explain. Secrecy was the grease that kept the wheels turning, compartmentalization was how the car stayed on the road. Even back in those days I somehow felt I didn’t need anyone else either. After contemplating my death I decided, why risk being close, we all die alone. I had boyfriends and friends, all of them knowing just part of my life. I had RJ and he knew me better than anyone. He knew my worst secrets, and according to him, loved me more than I loved myself. This was true albeit, it was a pretty low bar.
RJ’s narrative was always affirming in that I was strong and tough and smart. I just made bad choices, “If I was a woman…” He liked to say that and still does. Like if he was a woman he’d play it differently and not be such a victim to emotions? It is never clear what he would do different but you are left feeling like he loves you in spite of your inability to fully own your womanhood. He insinuates that if he were a woman he would have everything he wanted because he could get some guy to give it to him?
I had no idea that so many of the demons that were driving me to be self-destructive were passed down to me by my substitute lover/father/friend/brother RJ. I knew the relationship with my father and other men was not great before RJ came along and his loving me saved me. From what? I don’t know, but I was convinced at that time that left to my own devices I would fuck everything up and end off much worse.
It is not anger that drives me but heartache. I am still shocked by how I grieve for his friendship, the body really does keep score. Also, my heart aches for those still held within his grasp. I even grieve for RJ’s suffering. Not his suffering because of what I am doing, because I’m sure he is claiming he is the injured party, but the suffering of the mentally ill. Because without a doubt he is suffering from mental illness, probably more than one. RJ self medicates with alcohol and is dangerous to others when any social stigmas fall away. I see all the raging, the demanding and manipulation as a by product
I have come to understand not only PTSD and trauma but how we deceive ourselves to normalize the abusive behavior. My old friends cling to their beliefs because of love. Take Wendy, she has suffered extreme physical abuse at RJ’s hand more and longer than anyone and is still devoted. She is also the most sequestered, something RJ always said was just her way, now I wonder if that is entirely true. You might think it is too late for her, but I am proof that it is never too late.
Check back soon, I will be posting more about how and why we stay, and why we stay quiet even when we leave.
Thanks for reading and take care of your self, for real.
Christine
I know these people. I lived with them for awhile. I could never fully give myself over to the cult, too many red flags. The violence, the excuses for the violence, the in & out games, but mostly the dead eyes of the wounded women who protected him.
I hadn’t seen Sheri for years when we met up one day a year ago to “catch up.” I forgot that nobody in the cult travels alone. I was to visit with Sheri but she showed up with 2 other women.
Oh yeah, I remembered that it’s not “safe,” to go alone. What if something is said to shake that resolve? What if you can’t defend yourself?
The reunion ended awkwardly and I haven’t had contact since.
Thank you for adding your voice! Sorry, I didn’t realize I had to “approve” comments, I’m still no technical wizard.
I attended a couple benchmarks and one of their classes. The tone and vibe was just seriously off. Wrong. They kept talking about all the fun they have. I actually said to someone who lived there, ‘if you think this is fun, you need to get out more.’
For obvious reasons to anyone reading this blog, I left each encounter with these people with more questions.
Thank you for adding your voice! I’m glad you didn’t get in too far…
I had enjoyed an exchange with Sheri during one of the event breaks, but the way the people acted made me wonder what was up. They all seem to follow the same script and stay on message, nearly all of them looked a little “not present” in the eyes, few of them initiated conversation, levity was absent except when a guest tapped into it. All of RJ’s partners/sister-wives were very quiet and had a strange combo proud/nervous vibe when they all sat on the sofa in front of the group, and they had habits I suspect RJ influenced (none of them wear makeup and they were all dressed differently but in remarkably similar cuts: very short, very low-cut, sleeveless dresses.
Everyone was weirdly deferential to RJ in that class. I say weirdly, because he was crude in his speech, he talked right over the students, he cut them off. During a participatory activity, I contributed a statement, and he cut me off, telling me what I was really saying. I told him not to put words in my mouth, and it felt as if I had sucked all the air out of the room.
Frankly, I found it strange that an organization that billed itself as changing the world through female orgasm was clearly led by a man.
Ya, especially these days when it is so important to look a the power structures we take for granted. I just posted another blog that describes how the Benchmarks work. A bit more detail on what the anonymous poster did. Your experience is helpful for everyone. Thank you for being willing to share!
I reached out to Sheri shortly after and told her I wanted to take her out for coffee. She suggested we meet instead at the group’s house. And that house is always full of people. Seriously, like seven people live there with gobs of other cult members there when in town from their Northern CA ranch, and the place has one bathroom. How???
In any event, I suspected she may be told not to meet one on one with outsiders, but then I figured I was just being melodramatic. Now, reading your post, I know my first instinct was right.
I think it is amazing and brave that you are doing this. The couple times I met him, I just thought RJ was a bully, a vaguely misogynistic, rude jerk. To learn here what else he has been for the last 40 years is shocking. But not surprising, if that makes sense.
Stay strong, Christine. And be gentle with yourself.
Honestly, hearing your description makes me sad. I love those women and they are so lost. Sheri was my closest girl friend for most of my life. I know a whole bunch of folks who have not added their voices to mine in a misguided attempt to protect these women and children. I have nightmares where one of them, Francoise mostly, is standing in front of me and I’m overwhelmed with the amount of misinformation and abuse they operate under. Also how much road I have covered since I realized the truth, the emotional distance from the loves of my lifetime, and I’m struck dumb. I’m left feeling distressed and helpless to get them any relief. I can only write, and hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Comments help, and the reminder for gentleness always appreciated, it should be tattooed on my forehead 😉
I can only imagine elegant that must be like for you. I am sorry you’re going through this, but OMG, you’re going through this! Your feeling it and working through it.
And the women, RJ’s ladies — they all seemed nice enough, and a few seemed like i’d Probably adore them. I was particularly drawn toward Sheri (she seemed genuine and down to earth), and Francoise (she had a lovely energy about her, and she came across as very warm, which I needed and therefore appreciated.
For most of the class, Susan read straight out of a binder. A couple questions I asked were returned with a bit of defensiveness.
I don’t blame her. By that time, the weirdness was palpable to me, and the fact that they wouldn’t give me a straight answer to any questions about how they operate was frustrating. I’m sure that was evident in my tone. Part of me was tempted to investigate further. That is how I found your blog.
Like I said, I think you’re amazing.