Sex, Cults, and Rock n’ Roll: BEFORE, as they say

Love at First Sight

The group didn’t start as a cult. It started with a desire for community and friendship, self-acceptance, and a sincere wish for more than what 80’s culture had to offer. I do believe that in Morehouse and Vic’s teaching RJ saw a business model he could get behind. After RJ tried his hand at pimping me the set up must have looked appealing.  You can read more about the business model that has been used by others as well here. Basically legalized prostitution with a spiritual flair.

A cult wasn’t what I had in mind though, nor did anyone else who moved in after me. I believed at the time we were starting a family that was based on friendship and love, with honesty being integrity as stated in Vic’s material.

Always do the research before signing up for anything, it’s always a good choice.

Disclaimer

To be upfront, Vic had a troubled past. You can find out about it with a little research. His information lives on, and continues to morph as others take it over. It continues to changes peoples lives, it changed mine. Although what I am about to describe came from the Morehouse course catalog, none of these were practiced in RJ’s manner when I lived in the Morehouse in SF. In those 9 months and after I moved out, I never heard of anything similar going on in Lafayette when I was there for a course or to volunteer with Turn On To America. Yes, RJ even took the charity model from Morehouse and put his own spin on it to support his group.

Catalyst

The catalyst that takes this group from just another fun-loving sex commune doing good work in their community to an abusive cult is the Traumatizing Narcissist that is the guru, RJ Testerman. Here is a link to my blog post that has links and more information about RJ’s personality type and how people like him operate in a cult system.  Narcissism, like all traits, is a spectrum. Shaw’s description of a narcissist in a position of power and traumatizing others cuts close to the bone. You will recognize it if you have spent any time near RJ.

Transparency

“Cults promise salvation. Instead of boredom – noble and sweeping goals. Instead of existential anxiety -structure and certainty. Instead of alienation – community. Instead of impotence – solidarity directed by all-knowing leaders.” -John Hochman (1990)

Rewriting the origin story of the guru is always the first step for cults, and then the origin story of the group. Not RJ, or anyone else so far, is willing to tell the true origin story of the group, so I will.

I’m working on a post with all the info I have about RJ before we met and what he told me about himself, but so much to say, so little time…

Transparency is the only checks and balances left and, let’s face it, the only way going forward for those with problematic histories. Mathew Remski in his interview with Rachel Borenstein points out that people care about transparency in varying degrees and that the dividing line seems to be trauma awareness.

It is a scientific fact that your own trauma and that of others informs everyone’s view of appropriate boundaries. I agree with Remski that a person’s trauma lode is important to recognize, and survivors are the canaries in the coal mine. To be safe it has to be safe for the most vulnerable among us.

Content Warning

I also agree with Remski that it is wrong for  people to promote the ideas of someone who was clearly an unethical or abusive person unless that are transparent as well. Without transparency there is no way to know what else is being passed on from that person.

There is always bad with good, and transparency is the only way to dissect that with integrity.

To start with you need to ask if the history of the group has been digested in a transparent way with the public at large and in the group itself. Also if you intend to pass on the good information, especially for financial gain, you must acknowledge it was learned in a problematic place.

Note that both sides rest firmly in the Truth part of the diagram. That has to be part of the diagram.

Digested AND Disclosed

If you use this material you must be transparent about what you got from RJ, and what you did not, and why the distinction is important. If you hide your sources then you are complicit.

There is of course good that comes with every bad and if you can’t find the distinction you probably shouldn’t be teaching until you figure it out. You will not be spared in the court of public opinion.

Even if I love you I cannot protect you from the building awareness of RJ and his group.

How they draw you in, or Sales 101

It is worth noting that this is an unregulated business. There is no governing body or oversight of the self-help or “enlightenment” industry. Like in yoga, the Forum, Coaching and other businesses in the “personal growth” industry there is no one making sure they give you what you paid for. There is no one to go to if you don’t get what was promised and only the police and courts if you feel you were ripped off.  How do you quantify personal growth? Orgasm?

Were you vulnerable or just searching? Were you bored or lonely? Nobody advertises themselves as a cult and no one joins a cult on purpose. It is the promise of finding something amazing that RJ’s group advertises. Sex education from a feminist viewpoint, extended orgasm, and close intimate relationships, sexual and otherwise. A real best friend you can have sex with. I mean, who doesn’t want that? That all sounds pretty good, right?

“Vulnerability + Bad Timing or Inopportune Meeting = Cult follower” – Dan Shaw

If you are buying they are selling and they use well known sales techniques, you can read more about those here. RJ’s group source new members in a myriad of ways, none of which are transparent or forthcoming about what they are actually selling and doing.

Depending on how you come to the group you might not hear much about RJ. You might need to take a course before you can catch a glimpse of him but you better believe he is the architect of the conversations you have with everyone else.

These are the avenues they use to actively recruit:

WWOOF.net

https://wwoof.net/

This is an organization where people, mostly young women and men, travel all over the world to work on organic farms in exchange for room and board. RJ and his followers bring people in to help with the 40 acres they live on outside of Yreka, CA. The volunteers come from all over and are slowly invited into the group if they seem pliable. Every conversation they have is dissected to discover their usefulness and safety to approach. Here are a couple of stories of folks who worked on the northern California ranch, outside of Yreka, CA. They describe the atmosphere perfectly, blog 1 and blog 2. I met some of the WWOOF’ies, as they call them. One  even ended up living there for a while.

This program is seasonal and sporadic and depends on just how much the WWOOFie is willing to play along. I didn’t have much to do with them and RJ just spoke of them as labor unless the visiting workers were interested in  him or the group. Then they were the best thing ever. The workers are highly managed so they don’t know what is happening until they are deemed safe by RJ. Then the dinner conversation changes and the acceptance and love is shown to them by everyone else living there.

Tinder, Instagram, FB, Meetup etc.

This is a new one for me. I don’t have first-hand experience of this but I have been told by more than one woman that at least one of the guys, Bill, trolls for women to bring to the groups on Tinder and other social media.

I am working on a post about my relationship with Bill and what I know about him. He used to call me his closest friend. I see now that this declaration of love with no substantiation through action is bull shit, but something I was used to with RJ. More than one woman has come to me with fear about the danger of Bill’s influence inside and outside the group. I’m working on it and appreciate the feedback and requests for specific understanding. There is a lot to sift through.

All of the people that live in the San Francisco house give an impression of being open to relationships with outside folks, but don’t be fooled. They can not have a relationship with you much past preliminaries outside of the group. You will have to move in or have “do dates” at the communal house or sign up for a “floor course” (a course where you get naked and touch genitals). It is an overt rule of the house.

Please don’t kid yourself. If you think your love will be able to pull a person out of the group if you go in you are mistaken. Every person in the group will turn on you and push you out if they think you are undermining their authority. You must decide if the collateral damage you are receiving is worth it, and by being there if you are really helping or only enabling the damage to continue.

BenchMarks

These weekly events are advertised through social media, phone calls and emails. At first glance, it looks like everything you would want from a fun night including good-looking women in high heels and short skirts. RJ’s daughters lead the BenchMarks in SF. They sit with confidence on the couch alongside handsome men who make direct eye contact. The group’s deference to these women and men are part of the show. You cannot underestimate our natural inclinations to authority, especially in a group dynamic.

My husband and I were trained to run these groups. Always appearing confident is crucial. This is important not only to sell courses but it is also to reflect the enlightenment of the leader. RJ told me time and again, fake it till you feel it, never let them see you sweat, etc. Then there is the benevolent confidence of the leaders in saying “We here on the couch/in the front hold you all as perfect, and this viewpoint is available to you at any time,” This statement precludes the beginning of every BenchMark.

This is the setup, compelling and existentially impressive. Mathew Remski points out that this kind of set up is how someone seeking a truer and more open-hearted existence is reeled in unaware.

I didn’t know until recently they have added house meetings before every BenchMark. This is not the only level of control that has been intensified since I was there.

Or Whatever

The previous anonymous post talks about the fee system and she is right. You are judged and poked about paying too much “Wow, aren’t you a fast player!”, or too little, “Wow, you are playing so slow.” It’s pretty straightforward if you remember this is a business. They are here to make money. The leaders of the group split the money with RJ. Your information is populated in their database and it becomes part of how they handle you.

Hot Seat

Sometimes there is an icebreaker game but the main game of the evening is Hot Seat, or Mockery. All the communication games, including registration, are strictly orchestrated to induce different feelings at different times. To be titillating and turn you on. If there is a good crowd, the selection of who goes on the “hot seat” is more random. If there are unknowns in the crowd, people are carefully chosen to go on the hot seat depending on how “fun” they are.

The definition of fun is defined by RJ, which means how much you are in agreement with the views of the group, and how much you are willing to “get off.” “Getting off” literally with Do dates, or if you live in the house, turning on the marks. “Getting off” figuratively in getting off your former views to accept theirs. It’s a basic check for pliability and a way to titillate possible students.

The line is “On the hot seat you have the option to lie, tell, the truth or refuse to answer. Just like real life.” Get it Mockery? It also starts the practice of teaching you to do/say whatever to get there approval.

The Break

If you show up and have any possible resources or desirable attributes (you’re good looking, have money, are willing to talk frankly about sex in public, are excited about the group, brought friends with you) you will get attention and be made to feel special. Especially at the break. Sexy people will play their version of seduction with you or just straight up love bomb you. The other people who live in the group are coached to connect with those who can be useful. They are labeled “fun” so everyone knows how to operate, but really they are fishing for resources and information. This is the promise for a lot of lonely people.

False Philanthropy

RJ and me.

The group also looks attractive because of its apparent charity. In the BenchMarks they don’t usually divulge that they founded and run a registered 5013(c) non-profit, only that they support a food and clothing program. The two Mercedes Benz Sprinter vans that they use to get to and from the ranch up North and to BenchMarks were bought with money raised for the  food program. They also don’t mention that a large percent of the group’s food and clothing comes from donations intended for people not able to afford food and clothing.

In the BenchMark the charity is brought up not only to give people an example of their benevolence and community commitment,  but also to give people a way to start contributing right away to the community with time, money or resources. We all want to be of service and need to be sure we are serving those who require assistance.

Vic’s line was “Unselfishly serve the universe and make a profit.” This is a long way from unselfish.

Withholds

The most important game in a BenchMark is the Withholds. The alleged intention of Withholds is to create a safe place where you can state your unexpressed judgments. The idea is that anything withheld from another person, negative or positive, causes a distance between you. It is explained that if you can express negative Withholds the negative “charge” or emotions around it will lessen. If you express positive Withholds it will increase the  positive “charge” or emotions. This practice is intended to bring you closer to whoever you are doing it with/about.

The original idea behind this is sound. I have even seen Dr. Phil use a similar technique on daytime TV. RJ’s group states that these are not communications, only a chance for people to speak what they feel without recrimination, akin to purging. They also claim that Withholds are strictly confidential. No one, allegedly, is allowed to speak to you or anyone else about your withholds and there is an overt nod of agreement before the playing of each game.

This claim of confidentiality is not true.

Your withholds are spoken about within the leadership and members of the group. After the group there is a full debrief among the leaders and then to someone ”Up North”, the property outside of Yreka CA where RJ resides. This also includes one of their two houses in Smith River, CA. Even if they aren’t saying your exact words they are talking about their impressions of you, including your withholds, so they can have the intel on how best to handle you. RJ has the final word in everything, and then the power filters down depending on proximity to him.

Their business is you, and they discuss you like any other customer in a hard sell environment. Only they are talking about your need for them and what they offer.

Even harder, baby

If you have attended a BenchMark you have been discussed by the group in SF and in Klamath and Smith River for that matter. Everyone in the inner circle up North is assigned someone to be the contact/guide for someone in SF. Then if you are in SF and in deep enough to be dependable, you are assigned someone on the periphery. All interactions are discussed and dissected at different levels during house meetings. Seemingly casual follow-up calls to attendees are information gathering and to get you to sign up for something.

Someone will reach out to you. They weren’t “just thinking” about you. They are not calling to see how you are, only what you are willing to participate in that benefits them. There call has been timed and has a purpose.

An Instance

More than once RJ pushed me to tell him what someone said in their withholds. Especially if it was a formal withhold session outside of the BenchMark. One of our worst fights ever was because Nicole Daedone, when she was living in the SF house, told him someone else’s withhold about me from a formal Withhold session. He was so worked up he totally missed the irony of rubbing that vomit all over himself.

I have seen him pressure others to tell him as well. It is part of reporting back to upper management. He operates under a different set of rules than what is stated. Which in turn allows those closest to do the same.

Going in you should know

In the course considered the start of all courses, and one that you need to take as prerequisite to others, a crucial viewpoint is explained.

“In our conversations we are all manipulating all the time. You shouldn’t feel bad about manipulating as long as you make sure everyone wins.”

Sounds good but “winning” is determined by RJ or someone acting in his stead. This means that any form of manipulation is allowed. Lying, withholding, falsifying, gas-lighting and even fear, pain and coercion, is ok, if it is for everyone’s good. Be aware that the everyone in that statement is RJ first, and then his group.

Part 2, DURING… coming soon

You don’t truly understand what is going on in the Benchmarks until you move into the house in SF or the property outside of Yreka, CA. No one lives in Smith River houses full time. It is RJ’s vacation home where he takes the closest to him to relax and fish. Unless he needs some work done, then the others are invited.

Once you have moved in you can see how the intel gleaned through the courses and BenchMarks is used. You will also learn the power dynamic in the houses and the resource gathering that will become your most important occupation.

Stay tuned, I’m working on Part 2 that explains what it is like to live within RJ’s group and the techniques they used to control your mind and emotions.

Feel free to add your own experience below in the comments. I will approve everything as long as you aren’t a troll. If you would like to submit blog entry/ies about your experience with RJ please contact me here, truthaboutrj@gmail.com

Thanks for reading!

Christine