When Cancer Knocks

This email came anonymously through the site’s contact form. I have no idea who it is, I recognized the email address from the original site. It’s pretty brutal.

Plenty of people who upon learning my history wished a fate worse than death on RJ; some still do. I know in my heart that for the most part none of them would actually enjoy anyone’s suffering. This email struck me as extra harsh. I had cancer when I was 18, here’s my post about that.

Before I received confirmation some people asked if I thought it was true. Even Dennis said he wouldn’t put it past them to make it up. We have both known elaborate schemes to manipulate people into knuckling under and keeping their mouths shut. Both of us have sat in the room as motives and methods were discussed by RJ. Peoples inability to believe anything coming out of the community is also understandable.

Looking for confirmation, I texted, chatted, emailed everyone who might know something about his diagnosis. It came quickly and from more than one source. Yes RJ has colon cancer. He is 73 years old. This is the Google insert on stage IV colon cancer.

“Stage IV colon cancer has a relative 5-year survival rate of about 14%. This means that about 14% of people with stage IV colon cancer are likely to still be alive 5 years after they are diagnosed. … And for a small group of people with cancer that has only spread to your liver or lung, surgery might even cure it.”
-WebMD, Sep 29, 2017

Baby Steps

So really just shock and awe at the moment. RJ dying from cancer is not the answer to all my dreams, more like a dash of “maybe-it’s-finally-over.” Maybe he will be stopped, finally? I fully expect the grief to hit soon because as I have learned my logical mind is only partially in charge. The rest still lives and dies in the pit of my stomach. My body will process in it’s own way and time the loss of someone who was so many things to me for so long. This news is a continuation and deepening of a grief I was already struggling with.

Mostly it feels like a double feature at the shit show.

Now Playing at a Theater Near You

I was surprised at the response to my inquiries and the conversations that ensued after I knew for sure RJ is sick. Many said he’s getting what he deserves. Although some expressed sadness for his children very few had any compassion for him or for the women. It was interesting to hear the varied opinions. It is a tricky thing to love someone who has done, and does so much damage.

Just when you thought you knew someone…

Even with all the love that the people I spoke to expressed for Wendy, Sheri, Francoise, Susan, Rachel and the rest, there was little sympathy. Some people felt like me, hopeful that this would allow these women and their children to evolve and have something more in their lives. Some feel they also deserve to suffer for perpetuating the lies and covering for RJ, even now.

It’s just sad everyone is unwilling to do anything other than hide, but I understand their confusion as well. These women and I were friends more than a little, that is true. Not as much as I once thought we were, but I used to love them a lot. Now my life is filled by true friendship, real love I can count on, no matter what. I see how all the need for hiding and subterfuge makes real connection impossible. I wish this understanding and love for for them, still. No one will ever convince me ignorance is bliss.

Another interesting result of RJ’s cancer news is that I spoke with people I hadn’t for a long while about our lives, the blog and the community at large. I was happy to hear everyone is still following the history and holding me in their thoughts. I’ll take it, thanks and right back at you.

Magical thinking need not apply

I am always on high alert for any magical thinking as this is a big part of how so much of the abuse is justified in the community.

Yes the stress from my campaign to stop RJ, if they up for admitting I am having any affect, may have added to his allostatic load. It takes ten years for a polyp to develop to cancer. So any addition I have added in the last 2 years is the proverbial drop in the ocean. More than that is pure embellishment.

RJ hated going to the doctor to be checked. He preferred magical thinking about all health related issues. Some bitch is to blame for all his ailments, physical or otherwise usually. No one was surprised by this diagnosis as his aversion to the medical profession is well known,

I did not give RJ cancer, and he did not get it because he is, excuse the pun but more than one person wanted to jump on that wagon, full of shit.

What remains

I used tell RJ that he couldn’t die before me. How could I imagine a life where he wasn’t there? I would tease him by saying, “I’m unwilling to live without you. I’m going to keep you alive in the corner, plugged in until I die.” RJ would smile nervously, “Please don’t.” I did feel like that, to my core. Supposedly he was my one true thing, the only one I could count on. The one who knew me and loved me anyway. I couldn’t imagine letting go of him. Now I can, I already have.

What remains are trained nerve endings and 40 years of habitual interaction of caring about him, regardless of how much it hurt me. I need to contemplate and rewire my body and mind’s understanding of the world and my place in it. We are 99% habit, don’t kid yourself. Change takes effort.

RJ need not be dead for me to be free, I knew that before I started the blog. Anger is taboo for women, in this community and the culture at large, and I no longer care if it makes anyone uncomfortable. I still get angry sometimes, but I’m not blinded by it. I just don’t deny it anymore and stay present and notice myself and others reactions. That is why anger has showed up, to make us take notice that something is not right. Now I allow myself all the emotions as they arrive and am thankful for their wisdom. Emotions understood help to discern what is right and what is wrong. What is harmful and what is helpful.

Understanding and acceptance is all there really is, everything else is gymnastics.

In the end

So yes, RJ’s cancer diagnosis may ultimately check one of the boxes on the list of what I want. The one for him to be taken out of teaching and his areas of influence. I do not wish him dead. That kind of hatred may be understandable or even justified, but is only an easy distraction from the truth. The good and the bad. Like eating candy when you need food, it can be fun but ultimately not sustainable. It will make you sick.

I do not forgive RJ either. He, nor anyone else from my “family” for that matter has offered any apology or explanation. Forgiving someone who has not offered a genuine apology is again, only a distraction from truly understanding what happened. Rising above the hurt someone has caused you without an apology is idiot compassion. Enabling and damaging.

My thoughts are all over the place and include everything. Is he really going to die of cancer? RJ was raised a Baptist, I wonder if he will be saved? Will he reconcile with me before the end? What about the others? How many of the others? Will they even let me near him if he wanted to? I wonder if he will finally have the integrity to look me in the eye and talk about this. Like I asked for in the beginning. He might still live a long life and all possibilities remain.

Hypothesizing is easier than being in the present moment. Our minds prefer the cacophony of meaning making and solution finding to the stillness of actuality. I let it rip in the last paragraph, now I’m done.

“He who is not busy being born is busy dying.”
– Bob Dylan

I understand he was scared to meet me, I know all his women were scared as well. We used to have tough conversations all the time, are you really that fragile? All of you?

Am I still scarier than facing colon cancer, old man?

Thanks for reading,

Christine

You might have noticed all the Pema, mostly reading Dharma these last few days, The Places That Scare You, and When Things Fall Part.

This is where I turn when everything is so tender it’s hard to walk around in the world. Helps keep my heart open when I want to apply full power to the shields.

Being fixed of mind, with a shuttered heart and without equanimity is the root of a lot of suffering in the world. Take care.