Redwood City jail circa 1975
I used all the experiences and the context of those 13 years to make the choices I did with RJ, a man 20 years my senior. He described me as mature and smart, in control and loving every moment. This encouraged me to bond to him even more. Actually, I was completely un-tethered. Desperately alone. Even a half-witted 32-year-old pedophile could have turned my head. Imagine a handsome dimpled hairdresser on a black Harley Davidson who looked me in the eye and called me “pumpkin”.
I remember watching this at the time and wondering why everyone was so shocked. Just like Nabakov’s Lolita, I kept waiting for the dramatic part.
Pretty Baby was a popular movie when I was 13. I remember RJ talking about Brooke and me thinking I only resembled her in the brows. Just Saying. Even Shields, for all her “I’m not sorry”, acknowledged she would not “facilitate” it for her own child. What a laughable dodge.
It’s not that I didn’t make the choices, it’s that making those choices doesn’t mean RJ wasn’t 100% responsible for his choices. He, being the adult, by law was responsible and knew the consequences more than I. Dennis told me that RJ had bragged about an older woman taking his virginity when he was 13; that tracks. Looking at my children at 13 triggered my body to inhabit that age once again. The damage done to someone who is sexually interfered with at an early age is irreparable, and I understood that looking into my own children’s far more innocent eyes. The fact that trauma repeats itself until resolved concerns me. Karma, trauma reenactment or a belief system? I for one will not pass on the burden to my children, something RJ cannot claim.
Laura Dern is a Boss, amazing and a story more common then many people believe.
I believed that if I owned the whole experience then I was in control. I could choose how I felt and what it meant. Victim is a dirty word to RJ, let’s face it, in our culture. A love affair sounds better than pedophilia and being special feels better than being a target. The need for attachment and validation is what we’re all about, and no more intensely than when we are children. Our nature is our need for nurture and RJ did nurture me. Like all children I learned what my caregiver needed, what he wanted, and I did that, became that, so he would want me.
The Tale is a great movie about how this happens. How a child’s mind works and how we justify to get love and attention. The difference for me here is that I didn’t break it off, I had nothing to return to like Jennifer Fox.
The way these men loved him, still do, is something people forget when they ask a survivor why they never spoke up before.
Leaving Neverland also describes this phenomenon really well. It is striking for me to hear this because I could relate to the years of lying. Knowing everything that happened and yet being firmly convinced it was actually love, something special. RJ is and was not MJ, but he is charming and engaging.
Just like all of us, my story is not exactly the same as anyone else’s, but the symptoms are. The grooming is. What I thought were personality quirks and personal failings turned out to be a list of symptoms for complex PTSD. What I believed being me was, wasn’t. Now looking back at even just a few years ago, being in my brain and body was a battleground. I can see that clearly because now it is not. Even a tough day now is nowhere near the level of crazy. Imagine not having to manage your thought process to “keep your eye on the prize”. No need to continue what RJ taught me: to keep my mind in my pussy to get through the day or run withholds to keep the emotions in check. No need to manage my body, it knows what is right.
I love Kimmy, I love Tina. Sorry it has finished but glad she ended it well.
Unbreakable is a goofy yet raw story about a girl who was locked underground. Tina Fey is a fucking genius. It’s the only time I’ve ever laughed and been triggered. I wasn’t in a bunker, but kinda. It didn’t end with the cops rescuing me, only love bailed me out. Also, I left the rest behind.
I didn’t intend this to turn into a media review but there are so many things in our culture that support abuse. It does not happen in a vacuum. Now there are more and more things seeping into the culture about the damage, the truth of this kind of undermining. Who knows, if this keeps up maybe even Woody Allen will be judged. When can we start the conversation on how to heal? Victims and perpetrators alike.
When adults abuse children, they are victims. End of story. The law rightfully protects children. This was sexual abuse to a minor by a sick, predatory individual.