FAQ #1

These are a few of the common questions I get that I thought would be easier to respond to here. Please feel free to ask whatever you might be pondering, I don’t have all the answers. No one does, but I’ll tell you my experience and what I know to be true.

1. Did the women in the group know you were 13 years old when RJ started having sex with you?

Yes, they did. Everyone who lives up North in the group has always known, not just RJ’s women. Only his children and their peers didn’t, as far as I was told. RJ had bragged about it until his daughters were of the age to understand. I think Sheri and Wendy shut that down. The only thing in this history they might not have known about was that he pimped me. Sheri knew I had been a prostitute but I don’t know if she knew RJ was the pimp. It was one of the many things we never talked about and simultaneously could relate over. I told Jennifer F. later when she came along. She was the only one I ever told about that time in my life while I was in the community, but I still didn’t tell her it was RJ.

I remember just a few years back walking in the forest with RJ and Susan. RJ asked, “Did you ever suck my cock when you didn’t want to?” Before I could answer Susan changed the subject pointedly, moving him away, even physically. At the time I was not sure why she was worried. I was just formulating the answer that would make RJ feel the best, as I always did. Like everyone else does. So yes, I think some of them even understood his damage to me before I did. Sorry, from the responses I know many of you were holding out hope that they didn’t know.

When I was in the community, I used to insist that everything was OK and he saved my life. For a lot of people that was enough. I’m just discovering now for how many it never was right.

2. Does this still go on? Things are different now, right?

The kind of interaction described here between RJ, Wendy and I still continues in RJ’s group. They have many viewpoints that are held in a fanatical way. One is that women will conspire for bad if left to their own devices. They believe that we women have been trained by society to be no fun so we must be untrained. RJ proudly states fear, pain, and coercion is necessary to get past a woman’s resistance to pleasure and to a “real” orgasm. The practice of separation between women still exists, everyone is protecting their little piece of RJ’s approval.

3. This looks like a matriarchal community championing women’s sensuality, how do I know it isn’t what it looks like?

Although RJ claims he is not in charge, he gets around the obvious conundrum in the power structure by insisting men are only responding to women, so women are ultimately in charge of everything. ( If you have ever been in a room with RJ Testerman there is no doubt who is in charge.) Believing this will make you feel powerful as a woman, although briefly. Then you realize it is only a sales point, not really empowering and ultimately; it is a new age rehash of the patriarchal game of blaming women for men’s behavior. In RJ’s group, your worth is only measured by your attractiveness and willingness to go along with these viewpoints. Just like every other toxic patriarchal society. This is especially dangerous, and one is especially susceptible if you have been previously traumatized.

The truth is, everyone is responsible for everything they do, even if they blame you.

4. Withholds and Doing make me feel better, how can it be bad?

This is one of the instances were the fundamentalism kicks in. Equanimity, balance in all things is healthy for the mind, especially in the viewpoints you hold. RJ’s group belittles emotion as lacking any value or wisdom. Emotions are something to be neutralized, not acknowledged and given validity. Unless of course it is “turn on” and “approval”. Then it is to be exploited.

How you feel is not an accident or some cultural kick back your parents/church/culture instilled. In fact, it is the exact opposite, and anyone who is belittling your feelings is only trying to control you in some way. Emotions are your body telling you something, so listen. If you think you are being gas-lighted, you are. It is not on you to reduce your tolerances to feel artificially safe, it is on the person asking for your confidence to make you feel safe. This is done by being honest and open, not manipulation and lying.

5. Where is the opposition to your site? To these claims?

There hasn’t been any direct opposition. As I have stated, transparency is unknown to RJ. I have been told by others that no one in the community is denying this, or even trying to justify it. The only message has been to unfriend me, on FB and otherwise. Everyone is told not to read my blog and stay away from discussing this with anyone. It’s unclear how many who live and participate with the group are reading this, but I send everyone the updates anyway.

I have been accused of the worst possible crime in the community: Anger (capitalization intentional). It is the dog whistle of the group and is meant to discount anything I have to say. It’s akin to calling me hysterical. Anger is strictly not allowed, especially if you are angry at a man. Being openly angry also exposes one to violence in this group. If I’m pissed off and I have a fight with a man in the group some can, and most likely will, respond with physical violence that they will claim was in “response” to my “call for heavy pressure.” Everyone will agree with this summation of events and you will need to agree and change your mind about who is to blame for your black eye or red marks on your throat. If you do not agree you will be ostracized.

Not one of my old friends have reached out to me, as if that is normal in any other system or family. Ostracism is only in families and systems that hold fundamentalist and fanatical views.

If you have felt triggered by reading this or suffer from flashbacks and intrusive thoughts check out this resource, it has some practical advice on handling the overwhelm.

Thank you for reading, take care of yourself.

Christine