It wasn’t until I was standing in my shower decades later that I had a flashback to being that young girl again. Involuntarily I inhabited that 13-year-old body. I could feel viscerally, in all the detail, being her and those moments with RJ. The pain of it and so much more came through clearly. It was my reality probably for only about two seconds but it felt like a lifetime. It punched me in the stomach and took the wind out of me, I gagged, threw up, and sobbed. I thought I was going to pass out and I was certain I had lost whatever mind remained to me. (I still dry heave a little recalling it; the mind is no joke, take care of yourself and your loved ones.)In the following weeks after this, the shock wore off. Flashbacks re-traumatize so it takes a while to reorient and relax. If you have ever been traumatized you know it can take a long time for the raw feeling to leave you.
The brain continues to work in your favor during the recovery time and onward; long dead connections start to repair. Things that my mind suppressed as too painful at the moment resurfaced when I could finally resolve it. This resulted in more flashbacks, like mini tremors after an earthquake. Forgotten memories and sensations flooded back as well and understanding started to dawn. This is why treatment is simultaneously hard as fuck and absolutely essential for survival.
Could it be that it was all so simple then
Before the flashback, I had never made the connection that Wendy must have said something that night to RJ about my age and history when we got to the cabin. I didn’t actually want to sleep alone and be pushed away by them, but RJ had to punish me and repair with Wendy. He was successful on both accounts. When she told me what he had said about not knowing I was a virgin I just figured, “Whatever, it doesn’t matter.” I started narrating my relationship with RJ differently to accommodate. I never even spoke to him about it. Why even try?
I don’t actually want to remember. There are so many things I do remember that I don’t want to understand the nuance about either. For instance, I understand that statistically coming from where I did that RJ most likely saved me from an early death if not suicide. I know I will also be dealing with his “love” and what he did to me as a child and an adult long after he is gone.
When things get really weird and my identity is nowhere to be found I can trust that if I relax and don’t fight it, my mind will continue to care for me. It will continue to bring me the understanding I need to continue on. I write this as much for me as you, it’s good to remember I will be alright. I can trust my own physiology to show me the way.
This is a good resource about trauma, flashbacks and practical info for getting through tough times and being triggered.
Thanks for reading, peace.
Christine
P.S. Yes the song is stuck in my mind, with all its remembered emotions of the time…
Keep your head up.
Thanks primo!