The following events took place from 1998 to 2001, after Dennis and I moved out of The Welcomed Consensus house on Joost Avenue in San Francisco. We had left because I was unwilling to participate in yet another Touch and Look course. RJ told me I had to leave, but after everything that had happened since my return from Spain, I couldn’t stand the idea of being naked in a room full of people and letting strangers touch my genitals.
Although I had the hypervigilance and depression that usually followed after leaving RJ, and the communal house (which also meant leaving my friends, my work, my family, and my home), this time the pain passed more quickly because I was not alone. Dennis and I found an apartment near the Panhandle of Golden Gate Park and built a little sanctuary. Dennis worked and I continued to go to the welding class at SF City College. I had started the class with RJ while still living at Joost Avenue. I had become enamored with the alchemy of welding, and Sheri thought the connection would keep me close to them. I hadn’t desired RJ sexually for a long time, but the group believed that this was just my resistance to pleasure and I would come around with the right prodding.
Once we settled into our place, Dennis stayed busy and I decompressed. We enjoyed our freedom and the great things San Francisco has to offer while still following the mandated practices and routines that had been required of us while living in the house – having daily DOdates, attributing every negative feeling to an unexpressed Withhold, and staying loyal to the group and belief system. All of our relationships, including Dennis’s and mine, had been closely monitored and manipulated. We believed that outsiders could never understand what we did inside the house. We believed that the knowledge and special practices would blow people’s minds and make them hostile or worse, “blow them out.” Anyone not completely enamored with us and the information we offered was labeled an outsider. A belief system might be questioned in the light of day, but in a closed group surrounded by people believing the same thing, it becomes an unexamined truth and a standard operating system.
It was also different this time because now there was a small community of people outside of the Joost Ave house that we had helped to collect. Although we were ostracized by everyone living at the house during this time, these outside people contacted us to find out why we had left. Along with learning how to run a Benchmark, we had been trained in deflecting and protecting ourselves from awkward questions. We interacted with these outside people, but only within the social parameters outlined by RJ. This kept us connected to RJ and The Welcomed Consensus, and the gossip mill fueled hierarchy within the community. Even after we left the communal house, we were never really disconnected.
Wendy contacted us a few months after we moved into our apartment to check in and tell us the group missed us. That RJ missed us. She came with Bill Berndt, who had moved into Joost with his wife Susan Tarantino. Wendy and Bill described how great it was at the house, now. Ken B. and David Heisler had moved in, as well as a few other new folks. It felt like Dennis and I had been forgiven for abandoning them and not long after, we started visiting RJ and the women again, attending Benchmarks and supporting Free the Need.
A month or so later, Sheri called and asked if we would run a BenchMark in the North Bay. We had been the only people allowed to run Benchmarks when we lived in the house, and now they only had partially trained people available to help them recruit. We said yes – not only because we wanted to help our friends and their business but also because it gave us social standing in the community. They were still our closest friends and this community still felt like ours. Bill had helped me find a job that I loved in a welding shop and now Dennis and I both worked full-time. We kept our work lives separate and allowed little bleed-over. Neither of us wanted to have our livelihoods tied up in the group or have to explain to our colleagues our belief system or what we were doing.
As with all high-demand cults, there is a strict hierarchy. RJ is at the top, while the women of The Welcomed Consensus are shuffled below. At the time, Sheri was Head Bitch because she slept with RJ every night. The others – Wendy, Francoise, and Kim – stayed above everyone else but were subjected to moving in and out of influence and social standing depending on how “in agreement” they were with RJ. For example, Kim had started sleeping with Tom, so she had been moved downstairs. RJ might eventually allow his auxiliary women to have another partner, but if they insisted on having their way or defied his authority, they were publicly humiliated and forced to live with the underclass.
Dennis and I both had special places in the group because of our long history with RJ and the women. We had lived there before The Welcomed Consensus had been formed, so our relationships were different. The newer folks came in as students and were given only the view of the group that fit the branding. For our part, we helped hold up the myths. Our histories might have kept us closer to RJ and the women but we followed all the same rules everyone else was bound by. We all served the WC because being of service is part of the Training. We were taught how to put our attention on a person and how to anticipate their needs – to intuit their feelings. In BenchMarks and courses, the ability to serve, and the performative level of deference given to the Welcomed Consensus and course leaders added authority to their missives.
We ran a six-week cycle of BenchMark gatherings at the house in the North Bay that was loosely run by Rachael Slater and Terry G. Rachael and Terry became fast fixtures in the community afterward, as did Stephanie K., who lived there with them. Initially, this connection came from Erwan Devon, who was taking courses from The Welcomed Consensus and Morehouse and had begun teaching his own version of the information. Rachael Slater and Terry G. were a close gay couple at this time. They were the first and only outwardly gay people to come to more than one of the Welcomed Consensus courses. Nobody told them what RJ said behind closed doors about homosexuality.
During this time, Dennis and I moved out to the Richmond District of San Francisco. We rented a house with 3 bedrooms and an extra room downstairs so his children could visit whenever possible. When we lived in the group house, RJ’s restrictions around our relationships with Dennis’s children had been painful and we both did a lot of Withholds about our feelings about his kids to stay In Agreement. The freedom to have the kids visit anytime was just one more bonus of being out. We hoped that we could continue to be close to RJ, the women, and their children. Dennis’s kids were raised like cousins with Ginger and Mallie, and RJ had been my closest friend and family from the time I was a child, so we hoped to maintain the family ties even though we no longer wanted to live with them.
Around this time, RJ decided the group was getting too much heat to stay in the house in San Francisco on Joost Ave. There were 16 adults and 2 children living in a 2-bedroom house, which created a lot of activity in the neighborhood, too many cars, and too many people working for Free the Need. The neighbors and the neighborhood association of Westwood Highlands were unhappy. There had always been complaints about the noise and traffic the commune created, making RJ nervous. The house was being rented from RJ’s in-laws (Wendy’s parents), and they had never liked him. RJ was concerned they would be kicked out.
Eventually, RJ and the women of The Welcomed Consensus bought some land with two houses in Shingletown, CA, just east of Redding and about three and a half hours north of San Francisco. Everyone living at Joost moved up north, except Kim, Tom, and Harvey. Kim and Tom were a couple now, and Harvey was left to run the Free the Need second-hand store in the Mission District.
Dennis and I were happy for our friends. They had finally bought a place together as they had dreamed of. We were especially pleased for Ginger and Mallie, who were now preteens and had been living in a basement room. They got to move into a room that wasn’t also a pass-through for one of the 2 bathrooms in the house. Around this time, RJ called and asked if Bill could come live with us. RJ wanted him to leave the house but Susan wasn’t ready for him to leave the community. He explained that Bill had said something obnoxious in the hot tub and had to go but he wouldn’t tell me what he had said. Bill didn’t have a job, so RJ said Bill would be our housekeeper/maid until he got on his feet. We had the space, and someone else who had left the commune was already renting the room downstairs, so we said yes.
Bill was the first of many cult members who would be sent to us over the years. We considered these people to be our friends but we were also clear that they were RJ’s students, so we treated them accordingly. RJ and his women let us know where Bill stood in the hierarchy, and what he was allowed to do and not do. It wasn’t uncommon to be told exactly what to say to him. Bill wanted to move back in with the group, and we understood it was our job to support him until he was accepted back into the fold.
We weren’t surprised when Sheri called and asked us to run another series of Benchmarks. We had been spending more and more time with the RJ and the women up in Shingletown. The Benchmark was at the home of a couple who lived down the street from us in SF. We only met Rob and Carol K. once before we started the first six-week cycle of gatherings at their house. These Benchmarks would go on for over a year with only a few breaks when we would meet at someone else’s place. These groups, however, never got the same number of attendees that Rob and Carol brought. Rob, Carol, and their housemate, Rebecca Fancy, invited everyone they knew and met. Not counting the people who lived with the WC, these Benchmarks averaged upwards of 20-30 people per gathering.
This turnout was huge for The Welcomed Consensus. Typically, there were no more than 10 people in an entire group, including the leaders. The students of The Welcomed Consensus who lived in the house would usually make up half, if not more, of most Benchmarks attendance. Now RJ and the women could pick and choose who they would send from Joost Ave to the groups to act as shills and bait for this new source of students. Learning to play the communication games and be attractive at a Benchmark was required to be successful in the community. RJ was clear that, as a student, you are a reflection of the WC and are there to sell the courses. Each minute, word, and exchange of the Benchmarks was reported back to RJ and the women by us and other various sources. Any misstep or not being Fun at a Benchmark would result in humiliation and shaming once you got home.
These large Benchmark attendance numbers quickly translated into full courses. The Welcomed Consensus scheduled their courses to lead the new people through the lower-level prerequisite courses, the Floor Courses, and on to the big-ticket items like the Confirmation Course. Once the courses were on the calendar, the Benchmarks fed RJ and the women of The Welcomed Consensus a steady stream of personal information about the targeted marks. The marketing tactics were then focused on the weaknesses and strengths of the intended mark.
Once in a while, RJ and a hand-picked selection of residents from the Shingletown property would come down to the city to lead a course or visit a Benchmark. The entourage that came with RJ depended on who was being the most Fun (according to RJ). It was a boost in the community hierarchy to be selected for the trip, so everyone was on their best behavior in the hopes of being selected. Dennis and I were not a part of the inner workings of the house anymore and were kept separate from the students. We continued to be Out, but stayed in the good graces of The Welcomed Consensus. We saw the regime tightening at the house, but RJ and the women didn’t discuss it with us.
The Welcomed Consensus started holding courses at Joost Ave now that the pressure on the neighborhood had been alleviated. Dennis and I hosted many of the courses at our own house. The house Dennis and I rented was set up well for this, and our neighbors were unaware of what was happening. It was fun for us to have our friends come down and visit. I would cook for them, hang out, drink together after the courses, and gossip about the growing community. Soon, Dennis and I were seated at the front of the room On The Couch and being given more responsibility in leading courses. We socialized with some students but mostly spent our time in the community with the RJ and the women.
Once, as RJ was leaving after a course, he said to me, “Take care of the flock, Chrissy!” I laughed because I realized it was true; we had become a gateway for the group. I felt lucky to have such good friends and such an interesting life. At this point, I believed that RJ and I had made it through the worst parts of our relationship. I believed that we had found something to do together where we could, as Vic Baranco had taught us in his courses, “Unselfishly serve the Universe and make a profit.”
Dennis and I made tons of new “friends” through the Benchmarks, and we hosted party after party. Neshoma M. and Clint Bishop (now called Cedric) moved into Joost Ave after just a few gatherings, and more and more people were showing interest. The number of people excited about the information at the Benchmarks helped to bring even more people into the courses. My phone constantly rang with people looking for information about the courses and support in implementing the practices in their relationships.
At the time, we weren’t aware that RJ was giving Erwan a cut of the money for recruiting people until he made Erwan share some of it with us. RJ also gave me a 24-carat bracelet like the ones he had given to the women of the WC. Erwan was around a lot then and even considered moving into Joost with Terry G. and Rachael Slater to start their own branch of The Welcomed Consensus. Just as RJ, the women, and I thought we would take the information Morehouse taught and be the new, younger, hipper version. Nicole Daedone, one of the group’s newest members, had the same notion.
Erwan had recruited Nicole Daedone around this time. She didn’t come to many groups, but she did do the courses. She was an exotic dancer and knew Rebecca Fancy through the Lusty Lady, a San Francisco strip club. I first noticed her in a Beauty and the Beast course. RJ broke up Nicole and her boyfriend during one of the sessions over the weekend. RJ called her out in front of the group and verbally stripped her down, pointing out to everyone her vulnerabilities and saying it was clear she didn’t care for this guy and she should leave him to be with someone who did. Everyone thought it was hilarious and cooed about how Loving RJ was and how special Nicky should feel to be the focus of his attention. This was in front of a large course of 30 people who were all nodding in agreement, even if they felt uncomfortable.
Alli, who had been dating Erwan, moved in with us around this time. You can read Alli’s story here. Dennis and I had been up north for a Green Eyed Monster course, and as we were leaving, RJ came up to us and asked if we would take her in. He explained that she wasn’t ready to move in with the group but hoped she could stay with us until she was. We agreed to have her come live with us and Bill.
Dennis and I were glad Bill would have someone to relate to, and I was excited to have another woman in the house. The women and students of The Welcomed Consensus were my only female friends, and our interactions were limited by which step of the group’s social ladder they were on. Each step of the ladder comes with a new level of trust and more secrets surrounding how the group functions. When Alli moved in, I could see right away that she was unhappy, but I didn’t understand why. RJ coached us on how to deal with Alli and her Resistance.
I am ashamed of what I participated in and agreed to during this time. The manipulation, coercion, and violence were not something either Dennis or I enjoyed. At the time, we believed that by Loving Alli and supporting her in her goal of moving in with The Welcomed Consensus, we were staying in alignment with the ideology we had come to accept as the truth. Being willing to take someone Down (emotionally breaking someone down, giving them Reality about their emotions until they were in Agreement with the Information) required Going On The Ride with them and was considered a selfless, loving act. I viewed everyone’s lives and choices through the lens of The Information I had been taught and prescribed meaning only within the limited framework it provided. Being brutally honest with people and poking their sore spots was considered being a real friend, and friendship was the ultimate goal, right?
One time, when we were all hanging out, RJ said I needed to take a course. He said I needed to do either the Validation Course or the Confirmation Course because it looked weird that I hadn’t yet, despite being an authority figure in the group. I first said I wanted to do my Validation because I thought that I must have less Resistance by now. Now that Dennis and I were so successful in leading groups and assisting courses, I figured that whatever Resistance had kept me from complying with RJ in the past must have shifted or, at least, lightened. RJ said I would have to move back into the communal house to do Validation, so I said I would do Confirmation. The Confirmation Course cost around $20,000 at the time, but they gave it to me for free.
Everyone was sweet and loving during the course, unlike before. I got back on the table confidently, if with a twinge of fear the first few times, but I was pampered and loved all the way through. A Confirmation Course is supposed to take 2 weeks, but it can drag out until the student is willing to submit. Sometimes submitting includes buying gifts and giving money to Free the Need. I didn’t have any of these requirements, and I finished in 2 weeks. Usually, there was a private mini demo of the student’s orgasm, and then the new graduate had DOdates with everyone present. This wasn’t a requirement for me, and I was relieved. RJ no longer gave me shit for turning down DOdates with men other than Dennis and told people I only have dates with Trained men. Outside of Dennis, who had completed his Confirmation Course before we moved out, I would have dates occasionally with whoever was the head DOer of the moment up north in Shingletown.
Saying yes to a Pleasurable Offer was a part of “going along to get along.” Saying no to a DOdate was frowned upon. RJ or his women would send men my way to offer me DOdates when we were visiting with them. I no longer lived in the house, so I didn’t have to be DOne every day, but I usually was by Dennis, especially when visiting the group. The offers by other men felt more like a prescription or a request to change my current state of being and to make sure that Dennis and I weren’t exclusive. Sometimes the women would ask to have a date with Dennis but since we moved out that happened more in SF by women who attended the Benchmarks.
RJ called one evening and asked if we would go to a party they knew Erwan was attending. He asked me to tell Erwan that the Validation Course cost $100,000. I agreed and went to the party and delivered the message. Erwan was shocked and said he thought it was $50,000, as listed on the website. I said it costs what it costs. I remember him saying it was bullshit and unfair because he couldn’t just crawl into bed with Sheri and RJ the way Susan Tarantino had until he was Validated. Susan had recently been Validated and was now a member of The Welcomed Consensus. Bill still lived with us.
Not long after that conversation, Erwan gave RJ $200,000 for his and Nicole Daedone’s Validation Courses. Erwan and Nicole moved into the Joost Avenue house, but it was only a few weeks before Erwan moved out and asked for his money back. RJ refused to return the money, so Erwan filed a lawsuit against RJ and The Welcomed Consensus. A reporter for the SF Chronicle picked up the story and wrote about it. You can read it here. A part of Erwan’s claim was that RJ’s daughters, Ginger and Mallie, were being sexually abused. This freaked out RJ and the girls’ mothers, Wendy and Sheri, leading RJ to relent and return the money. RJ had sent me to try and persuade Erwan not to go through with the lawsuit and return to the course, but I could tell from word one that Erwan would not do this. He looked terrified that he might not get his money back.
This left Nicole Daedone alone in her Validation Course with no cash to pay for it, so she was required to Pay In Skin. This method of payment was much more demanding. As the population of Joost Ave grew, the people living there started running Benchmarks and participating more in the development of the community. Nicole became the lead at the house, and even more folks moved in. Terry G. and Rachael Slater moved in, and Stephanie K. came to us. Stephanie didn’t like Nicole, and although we weren’t looking to expand the group, we always had really liked her. She was hilarious and fearless about speaking her mind. She had a crush on Bill and seemed to become instant family to Dennis and me. Stephanie didn’t move in as a stepping stone to moving in with the WC, so the expectations around her behavior weren’t the same as with Alli and Bill.
The community was a self-sufficient machine now that new recruits were bringing in more new recruits. Dennis and I were pretty burned out and had stepped away from running as many Benchmarks. Benchmarks are always on a weeknight and we both had full-time jobs. Bill had blown out (moved out suddenly without telling anyone) during a course at our house, and our landlords had given us six months’ notice that they were moving back into the house. Plus, The Welcomed Consensus had asked us to move in with them, and when we refused, it didn’t go well.
We were up in Shingletown with a bunch of people from Joost and some students from a course. RJ, the women of The Welcomed Consensus, Dennis, and I were sitting around drinking and talking about people in the community. RJ said something like …” When you guys move back in…” Everyone giggled, and Dennis said, “Of course, when it’s like Fucking we’ll move back in.” This didn’t go over well and RJ was immediately raging. We both left quickly and packed our stuff. We were heading to the car, my heart pounding and thinking, “Oh no, not again,” when Sheri stopped us.
Sheri said we shouldn’t leave, and it was okay. We were all drinking, and we should go to bed and talk in the morning. Having known RJ for years, I didn’t feel safe, but driving back to SF drunk at 2 in the morning sounded like a bad idea. I barely slept that night waiting for RJ to come in but he didn’t. By the morning, RJ and the women were composed and interacting with their students but stiff and distant with us. As we said our rapid goodbyes, I realized they had asked us to stay so they wouldn’t have to explain to everyone why we were gone. I didn’t care and was just glad to leave and get home to SF. Dennis and I spoke on the way home and we were both sure we didn’t want to move back into the communal house. We were also sure that we still wanted to buy our own house in SF. Neither of us wanted our stability to be at the mercy of others anymore.
We continued to be part of the community but slowly pulled away. The Welcomed Consensus and RJ continued to check in with us on how everyone was doing, but the offers to run Benchmarks or support courses stopped. We felt them pull away, but it seemed right. This was their business, and we were too influential and out of their direct control.
Rebecca Fancy left Rob and Carol’s house and moved into Joost Ave. I felt hurt by the fact that she didn’t tell anyone about her plans and just disappeared. Kim and Tom had just disappeared one day as well. Dennis and I had dinner with them the night before and they had said nothing. RJ told me never to let anyone see me cry or be upset because they would lose respect for me. That didn’t really help the sadness I felt. It felt like being lied to, and I thought we were all about friendship and honesty. A few weeks later, RJ came down and wanted to see me. We went for a drive, and he told me that Nicole had told him that Alli had said that we wanted her to help us buy a house.
This was a big deal to RJ and I could see he was barely containing himself. He said, “We always hoped to help you get a place, but Alli is our Mark. I need you to be on my side with this, Chrissy.” I had already helped convince Alli to give Free the Need money, and I knew he saw her resources as his own. He felt like I was stealing from him because it was just a matter of time before Alli moved in with them. I convinced him that Dennis and I were not looking for investors for our house, and it turned out that Nicky had gotten this impression from a Withhold Session with Alli. She had rubbed vomit all over both of them. RJ and I were fine by the time we got back to the house and he laughed when I started calling her “Sticky.”
Alli moved over to Joost Ave soon after and the time was running out on the house we rented. We were tired of the drama and intrigue that is the oxygen the group runs on. Stephanie did not want to move to Joost Ave for the same reasons as before, but we told her she couldn’t come with us. Rob and Carol K. had offered to rent us a room for the interim, so she finally moved to Joost. We were at Rob and Carol’s for about 4 months when Sheri called and said that Joost was getting out of hand again – too many people and vehicles. She hoped the people at Joost could move into Rob and Carol’s big house for a while.
Sheri also offered to rent the Joost Avenue house to me and Dennis. They thought a normal-looking family living there would make Wendy’s mom and the neighbors happy. We said yes of course. This would be a great place to have Dennis’s kids visit, and it was only $1,400 per month. This was less than we were paying for our previous place. We were glad to have somewhere to go that was cheap while we figured out how to purchase our own home.
I remember talking to Carol in the back room of her house about what a good idea it was for the Joost Avenue people to move in. It was the natural progression of the community she had helped to create. Carol was mostly worried that Nicole would take her husband, Rob, from her, but I kept insisting that she only needed to be more honest with Rob than Nicky was. This put the responsibility on Carol if Rob left her for Nicole. Nicky constantly rubbed up against Rob and everyone else, but I ignored that part. After all, Rob was a Perfect Responder, and he was up for everyone moving over from Joost.
As the day of the move drew nearer, Sheri called and said that Kim and Tom were going to rent the house with us. The four of us had shared the converted garage room when we lived at Joost. Kim and Tom had popped back up recently, and Kim was pregnant, so it seemed like the best thing for everyone. Plus, it would allow us to save even more money. We started making plans for the kids to visit for the summer and were excited to move out of the one room we had been living in.
Kim called me one day and was upset. We were a week or so out from moving in and she said Sheri had called and said the rent was now $3,000 per month. I was shocked but not really surprised. It wasn’t that much more than the house we had been renting, but it was still less than we had been paying when we split it. Plus, RJ was always looking for more resources. I had known him a long time and knew he would squeeze out what he could. I tried calling Sheri but no one would answer or return my calls. Kim said everyone knew I was angry, so they didn’t want to talk to me. Of course, this only made me more hurt and angry.
Kim and I went and looked at other places for $3,000, but in the end, since Sheri would only talk to Kim, it became a painful triangulation, and we had to make a decision. The kids were coming and this whole thing felt unsafe. We either stuffed it and moved in any way or changed our direction completely. Thankfully, I had actually made a real friend through my work and they offered us a place. My whole life, to that point I had believed that RJ had my back. That, no matter what, he would be there for me in a pinch. This disregard for me, Dennis, and the kids showed me that maybe this wasn’t true.
Dennis and I also realized that RJ and the women to whom we were closest, who we called our family, only had their business in mind. All of their decisions and relationships were based on their bottom line. This was saddening and sobering. RJ loves to expound on how working for someone else is a fool’s game, but he and the women seemed more trapped than anyone. They are always “on,” always working on their agenda. Everything they did was meant to garner more resources. It was exhausting. Dennis and I were clear we didn’t want our jobs to control our lives to such an extent and hoped our friends would someday realize the cost.
This was still a painful break for me, but nothing along the lines of before. Clearly, we had been played and mostly just felt hurt for being treated so poorly by people we considered family. We realized quickly that all those people we called friends were not our friends – they were just students of The Welcomed Consensus. We disappeared from the community and only a few people reached out. By this time that was fine with us. We moved to Daly City and were grateful to find a sanctuary once again. It eventually felt like we had dodged a bullet and were glad we hadn’t put our well-being in their hands in any way.
Months later, we heard that Nicole, Rob, Carol, and a few others had moved out of the community. Stephanie and Alli had already left. Not long after hearing the news of Nicole’s departure, Sheri showed up at my door to apologize, but I will save that for another day. This is already long enough, so much was left out due to space. Thank you for hanging in there.
Christine