“We are all being influenced all of the time. And we all are potentially vulnerable to a cult’s pitch, especially as our society becomes more and more commercialized, violent and alienating, dishonest and corrupt, polarized and without structure.”
-Margaret Singer
I have been on a search for understanding about what happened between RJ and I and the community as a whole. To find the answers I’ve done a lot of research. I’ve read, listened and talked to people who have experienced, studied or teach about cults. It all began when I heard from someone who lived there for over a year refer to RJ’s group as a cult.
Is this a cult?
I had heard my “family” referred to like that before but I had always brushed it off. We were talking this last January, after I started this blog. This friends reference to ‘RJ’s cult’ was so incidental that it struck me differently than before. My radar went up, and I actually entertained the notion that what was going on was more nefarious than I had understood.
This understanding was only the first step of many difficult ones needed to completely remove my mind from this system of control. I can’t say I am fully there, but I am well on my way.
The Thought Reform Continuum
I know I say it all the time about all my posts, but this was tough to write. I got lost in the weeds way more than usual and rewrote the whole thing 6 or 7 times in various ways. The memories that got stirred up with the interviews and other reading were muddling my mind. I had lost sight of the continuum and started getting esoteric about how everything is thought reform on some level right? Thought reform is exactly what we pay for to change our minds, bodies and experiences. All self improvement is thought reform, right? The following information came from Margaret Singer’s book and helped clear this up for me. Now I understand where thought reform becomes dangerous.
Grid Geeks
The grid below shows where RJ’s community operates in the Continuum of Influence and Persuasion. Here is a link to the full short paper by Singer. RJ and his community easily falls into the thought reform column and are 9 for 9 for each trait.
This table is from Cults In Our Midst: Table 3.2. Continuum of Influence and Persuasion
“It is just words and group pressures, put together in packaged forms. Modern-day manipulators use methods of persuasion employed since the days of the caveman, but the masterful con artists of today have hit upon a way to put the techniques in packages that are especially successful. As a result thought reform, as a form of influence and persuasion, falls on the extreme end of a continuum that also includes education as we typically see it, advertising, propaganda, and indoctrination.”
A Few Things to Consider
It is important to contemplate a few things as we look at how we are influenced, and not only in a cult situation but in our day to day lives. Critical thinking in everything is everything. (She says with the zeal of the newly converted).
Language Matters
The system of thought reform and psychological coercion has not changed. Breaking down someone’s resistance and building up new beliefs is still accomplished as it has been for decades. What has changed are the keywords and language that thought reform systems use to indoctrinate us to the group’s points of view.
Learning the language in RJ’s group is the first step into an alternate culture. At Benchmarks this is fully on display. Language is the carrier of new points of view, but also a way to separate those in the know from those who aren’t. Using the language effectively is crucial to be part of the group and find a place on the food chain.
Here is a list of some of the communities buzz words.
DO dates/Deliberate Orgasm: Is the practice of a man using his finger to stimulate a woman’s clitoris. The name is trademarked by the Welcomed Consensus. Their definition of orgasm is “when your genitals feel better than any other part of your body.” DO dates are a prescribed daily practice for those living in the cult and the surrounding community. How many dates you have and and how “well you get off” is indirect relation to how far up the pecking order you are, and how much power you hold. To become part of the leadership you must demonstrate a 3 hour orgasm in private, and then a 1 hour orgasm in public. This is the “Validation” course.
2. Makeout: Is any sexual encounter outside the parameters of a DO date and is less common by half. Only Susan and Rachel ‘Makeout’ with RJ, the rest of the women only have DO dates with RJ and occasionally with Richard. The claim is that they have as much sex as they want, but in actuality RJ won’t allow them to ‘Makeout’ with anyone else.
RJ is extremely jealous. He pulled a knife on Dennis once for flirting with Sheri, he was only half joking. RJ had been kissing me and provoking Dennis by saying things like “You have always been my woman”, “I love you more than anyone else” and “We had the most fun together”. RJ loves to watched people get tweaked by jealousy. The night ended in RJ and Dennis pushing each other and the drunken party coming to an end. I’ll never forget Sheri blaming me for making Dennis so jealous. I felt trapped because if I had rejected RJ he would have publicly humiliated me or worse.
3. Responder: Is an attribute assigned to men. Men behave only in response to the women around them, period. It is the first and last line of defense for all the abuse that takes place in this group. It is why RJ sexually abused me as a child, it is why RJ and Bill will physically attack someone, mostly women, without compunction. This ‘men-only- respond’ idea is sold as female empowerment and is deeply flawed thinking. The belief is that women ‘call’ and ‘respond’, men only ‘respond’ so ultimately you are “calling” any kind of attention you are getting. The women believe this for many reasons, here is more about Self-Blame and Perceived Control in Abusive Situations.
4. Girls’ club; Is a reference to the belief that women will conspire for bad when left to their own devices. When women are social with other women they are reminded to, “Beware of the Girls’ Club”. This helps to keep women separate in the group, basic divide and conquer. RJ has always accused women of “conspiring for bad” especially if any conversations strayed from the beliefs of the cult. Women were “conspiring for good” if they encouraged their “friends” to have DO dates and bring in resources for the cult. You can read about a specific instance of this that Sheri and I had with RJ in my post about Sheri.
5. FUN: Having FUN is the stated goal of the group. The point of view is “Fun includes love, but love does not necessarily include fun. It is not fun unless everyone is having fun, so we know how to have real fun.” This sounds great but in a totalitarian hierarchical community the top of the pile decides what fun and love is, and who is fun and loving.
The accusation of “not being fun” includes any contrary points of view to the group belief system and any form of anger or depression. Men will reject you for not being any fun and women will reject you because you could fuck with their orgasm. Women who are angry are always told this. How you feel will bring someone down and diminish their orgasm. This makes true connection between people impossible and keeps all the hidden agendas safe from discussion.
5. Lost My Mind:-Is a spontaneous loss of control or display of emotion, or acting in a manner that is not group sanctioned. E.G: If you caught yourself complaining you might say, “Sorry, I lost my mind.” Phrases like this become short hand so people in the community know to disregard something you might have said. Like any doubt you might have about what is going on. Anytime you “resist pleasure” the community believes it is a trick of “Mother Culture” and the puritanical unconscious learning you have had. Everything not in line with the belief system is resistance to pleasure.
6. Hex/Hexed/Hexing: The definition in the cult of a Hex is a confirmation of a self doubt. “If someone called you a carrot, you wouldn’t care because you don’t have any doubts about being a carrot. If someone calls you a bitch though…” This is true in part and also very abusive. Hexing someone is considered a loving act in RJ’s community . The idea is “if you love that person and find them perfect than it isn’t an insult and the person will be hexed, but not hurt.” Stepping on peoples insecurities unconsciously or consciously is abusive.
I was good at “hexing” and in the early years RJ called me his Junk Yard Dog. He would call on me when someone threatened his fragile sense of self. Skilled Benchmark leaders and attendees are good at using hexing on the “Hot Seat” but everyone pulls them out during “Witholds”. It is the safest place to lovingly insult someone and create a false intimacy. RJ describes himself as “a walking hex”. He believes his lifestyle is so avant-garde and sexy that people can’t understand and so feel doubtful about themselves. I’ve come to see that the rejection of RJ is not being hexed, only being in touch with reality.
7. Go Over the Edge: To climax during orgasm. In the group it is referred to as a “crotch sneeze”.The goal is to surrender to someone who is DO’ing you and let them control your orgasm and nervous system. By going to the edge and walking back you can extend your orgasm into something more domed shaped and less peaked without the hard down of “going over the edge.” Yes it is similar to the Tantric practice and it is amazing.
Submission is different than surrender and the confusion around this is just another form of abusive control. Surrender means “abandon oneself entirely to (a powerful emotion or influence); give in to”. Surrender is what they claim you need to achieve superior orgasm while really demanding Submission. Submission means “the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.”
The famous fake
You have DO dates as prescribed, never ‘Going Over’. You are not surrendering to your overwhelming emotion only submitting to the regime. DO dates happen every morning and most afternoons. This focuses your attention on sustaining the arousal in whatever you do. This daily practice embeds the dependency and addiction to the group and to sexual stimulation.
This hangs in the living room in the main house in Klamath River, CA: The Human Tone Scale
8. Reality: The group relies on “holding different levels of reality” to explain, or not explain, many of their problematic beliefs. RJ’s model is this graphic from L. Ron Hubbard’s handbook for Scientology not Plato’s 3 levels of awareness. The cult justifies it’s deceptiveness using this belief system.
For example, they don’t disclose the belief that all females, even children, are responsible for “calling” sexual attention to themselves.
RJ warns his people that sharing points of view with others who aren’t “en-lighted”, or operating high enough on the tone scale, will only make them angry. Tell them too much and like Jesus they will kill you. This keeps people from communicating what is going on inside the group. The cult prepares you for nay-sayers so when you hear people scoffing at the beliefs you can disregard them, and then get to feel ultra smart and enlightened and sexually wise.
Connection and Community
What overlays all this and makes the small steps of adopting language and beliefs palatable is the community itself. Connection is one of humanity’s innate driving forces and we experience social pain as physical pain. The group dynamic looks like fun and seems to hold a lot of promise. Also I found that everyone I spoke with who lived there and then left was in love with someone else living there. No one said they moved in or stayed for the information.
At some point someone, usually RJ or Sheri, would always make a point of telling me how so-and-so was there not just for the person they were in love with but for the “family.” Ultimately it is the desire for connection and community that makes us vulnerable to the group. Having the hots for, or being in love with, someone who is willing to string you along to get you into courses and the community doesn’t hurt either.
It is helpful to remember humanity’s 4 basic drives when trying to understand why people do what they do. In the coming posts I will dig deeper into the practices and influences applied to keep the cult and surrounding community hooked, scared and silent.
Grid Games
I will share this one last grid with you as it is the starting point for my next blog post. It is the Criteria for Thought Reform. I especially like this because Singer includes Lifton and Schein’s models. This gives a more complete picture of what thought reform takes and how it works.
Thank you for reading and thinking critically!
Christine
