Today

RJ Testerman, founder and “guru” of the cult community.

It’s been a long time since I posted. I knew I would eventually write about recruiting and those years with RJ and the community, but I enjoyed dragging my feet. I no longer feel or think about them or my past much anymore. All the memories and emotions remain, but they aren’t very loud, and my life is really good. Good in a way that I have never experienced good before.

Also, this website is doing its job. KQED recently interviewed Sasha and me. Many people came forward to tell the reporter, Sydney Johnson, their stories. I feel less pressure to get the word out because this site is being found and accessed under all the cult’s different names and guises. People still contact me from all over who have had run-ins with group members, either through meeting a member and having a personal connection or people like Nat, who was interviewed by KQED as well and who got there through a work program.

Me during my Confirmation Course.

When Nat shared her story with me and KQED asked to take my picture, it brought up memories and emotions I hadn’t examined in a while. I felt a fear and dread I hadn’t for a long time. I could hear RJ’s voice, only faintly, thankfully, shaming me for my weight, hair, and age. I remembered and felt the overall disapproval by RJ, and subsequently everyone else, for not conforming. I didn’t wear short skirts and high heels to dinner or go for walks unless I wanted to, and their not-so-subtle hints didn’t fool me to try and control how I looked or acted. At least not when I no longer lived with them.

From the first moment I met him, when he was 32 and I was 12, RJ clarified what he found attractive in a woman. How he talked about women, fawned about them, or ignored them told me everything about how I should look and behave. Although he said he loved me, I always felt like I just wasn’t good enough. There was always someone prettier, younger, more turned on, more fun, more financially successful who he would point to as the ideal. I can still feel the pressure of this need to be different or “better” somehow.

At a very young age, RJ pointed out our sexist world to me. He described how Mother Culture had treated me from birth and men since my breasts filled in. He is good at that, and it left me thinking he understood what being me was like. He convinced me his friendship would help me rise above it or at least turn it in my favor. He made me believe he loved me deeply and only wanted the best for me. Because of his insight and care, he knew more than I did about what I wanted or how I felt. He said that all the garbage I was fed by Mother Culture, my parents, and other adults had confused me. He claimed I was all-powerful, just misdirected.

Sheri and I in Shingletown.

As Wendy, Sheri, Kim, Francoise, Susan, and Rachael came along, I saw him doing the same to them. He used other women to get them to do what he wanted and be who he wanted. RJ would be powerless without those women surrounding him and validating his every emotion and desire. He doesn’t have to control everything; he only needs to manage them. RJ had always wanted a lot of women working for him. The Information he got from More just honed his game. It didn’t make him who he is.

I could pretend, for a while at least, that I could fit into RJ’s version of me, but then some part of me rebelled against his demands. There would be a point where I would say no, exhausted by his constant need for me to meet his desires and provide unwavering acknowledgment, approval, and entertainment, I’d resist. Maybe it was that child in me who missed the freedom of life before I became a girl and was just a grubby kid who got mistaken for a boy. I remember how it felt before my sex became crucial to RJ and the world. Now that I’m years into menopause and the male gaze doesn’t figure in my priorities, I can glimpse her again. She’s cool.

Me today, unfiltered and unconcerned.

Nat describes being given a short low-cut sundress to wear and the subtle messaging around her wearing it and her behavior in general. The Welcomed Consensus may have ceremoniously closed, but they are still recruiting. Having young women and men come to the isolated community helps them work their land and gives them a shot of turn-on. Nat mentioned she hadn’t encountered Susan and Rachael much, this was because she wasn’t as accepting as the young French girl they had working at the Ranch before her. Seeing the pictures below of this young girl with Susan and Rachael made my heart sink. How could a non-English speaker understand all the red flags, innuendo, and social cues the group uses?

RJ and his cult have become better at hiding, but they are still in operation and a danger to those who unwittingly end up in their sphere. Nothing has changed except me, clearly.

Thanks for reading,

Christine

KQED article Is a San Francisco ‘Sex Cult’ Subjecting People to Abuse?

Susan, the 19-year-old French WWOOFer, and Rachael

Rachael and Susan with the Fun WWOOFer. They would only spend time with her if they thought there was a chance to move her in or at least take some of her “juice” for themselves to share with RJ.